Intimate Talk at the Cold Meat counter

If someone comes up to you and tells you they’ve just had a Brazilian and it’s made their hair shiny, do not look at them with disgusted face and think “who is this maniac I just met yesterday at Zumba class who’s now telling me intimate details I don’t want to know at the cold meat counter at Sainsburys.” Take a deep breath. You may want to put those lamb chops back because you’ve gone right off them to be honest but don’t be alarmed! Look at their head and notice hair is shiny because she (and it invariably is a she as men for some reason not embracing having shiny, straight hair) will be talking about the new Keratin Brazilian hair treatment that straightens hair and is all the rage at school with many mums, swishing shiny, straight hair around and looking like top supermodels. Yes, seriously. So pick up those lamb chops again safe in the knowledge that you haven’t been verbally abused by a stranger.

T&W has never had Keratin treatment (ha, not big surprise to anyone who’s seen T&W’s hair recently sticking up like gone through a hedge backwards) but apparently Keratin has had formaldehyde taken out of formula so not quite as strong. T&W thought this quite funny; Damien Hirst must be gutted as was prob planning new art project “Primary school mum’s head in formaldehyde!”.

Nude Trude (ex porn star mum) would def use Keratin treatment although she’s busy at the moment with new career of sports massage therapist, always boasting how she didn’t have to re-train. Naturally, Clotheshorse is fan of Keratin as has sleek perfect hair framing tangerine orange face at all times. Her perfect hair never moves out of place even when tottering along on leopard skin stilettos behind large labrador on lead – ha, v. funny.

Being Boring – The Joy of Parenting

11 y o brought home a letter from the school to say she had to spend a day with one of her parents at their workplace.   11 y o says “ergh.  Why can’t you or dad work in interesting jobs?”  Pause.   Me “and an interesting job would be what?”  11 y o “well, blah blah’s mum is a beauty therapist so at least she can get her nails done.  “   Me “well, I’m so sorry my whole career choice wasn’t based on whether you can get your nails done whilst on work experience.”   11 y o “it’s okay, it’s not your fault”.   Me “Thanks.  And anyway, I’ve got a friend who’s a beauty therapist and it may be okay sometimes but other times it’s boring.   Although her waxing stories are often a good laugh”.

This got me thinking.   Not the waxing stories, the idea about work experience.    Imagine Angelina Jolie’s daughter going on work experience “yeah, well, it’s sooo boring ‘cos mum has to do this thing with Ryan Gosling and I like, have to wipe away the sweat from his forehead in between takes”.   Or Beyonce’s daughter “ergh, I had to go to this recording studio in a limo and I was like “are you serious, this is soooo boring” and then I had to talk to all these up and coming rappers and go to this Awards ceremony.   Tch.    Jemma’s mum’s like a hairdresser and stuff and she gets to have her hair done all day.  It’s sooo not fair.”.

Or Neil Armstrong’s daughter “yeah, well dad made me go to NASA and I was sooooo bored, cos I had to sit in a rocket and stuff and press buttons.    I was like, seriously, this is not happening ‘cos Stacey’s dad works at a funfair and they spent all day on the Wurlitzers. 

You can’t win.

Badges for sleeves!

When my daughter went to Brownies, she wasn’t that bothered about badges.   Between us, we scraped through the Hostess badge and noone got food poisoning – yey, result!  But I’m sensing a different atmosphere to  ….. dare I say it, the “Cub & Scout” movement …. {drum roll}.     What is this thing about Beavers, Cubs, Squirrels etc?   Can’t we have proper names like “Marco Polo” club, “Neil Armstrong” club, “The Space Invaders”,  “World Determinators”?  But no, we have to have “Beavers” with the staff called the names of birds  – Wren, Woodcock, Cuckoo, Chaffinch.  If I ever worked at Beavers, I’d at least call myself an exciting name, like Australasian Babbler, Penduline Tit, Welcome Swallow, Clapper Lark, Bananaquit or Pale Breasted Illadopsis.   Perhaps we need to be grateful it’s bird’s names.  A friend has a son who goes to Cubs where all the staff are named after animals.  Imagine getting a phonecall from a man called  “Rabbit” (and that’s without taking hallucenogenic drugs!)    Wonder if Rabbit works at the Treasury.  Let’s hope he doesn’t forget sometimes, and pick up the phone to say “Hello, Rabbit speaking … oh, I mean George Osborne”.

So, the other day, I was a little put out to discover that some of the boys had an array of badges up and down their arms that might as well have spellt out  “yey, I’ve got a brilliant mum, it’s a shame you haven’t”.    Feeling a little rubbish, I began to think about badges that my son could get but was disappointed to see there was no eating badge, no sleeping badge and no annoying your sister badge.   Damn it, this was going to be a challenge.   He’d already got his friendship badge at the Beavers sessions;  me to son “what did you have to do to get the friendship badge?”.  Son to me “er, you just sort of turn up.”  

I spotted an Explorer badge where you can talk about anything you’ve explored anywhere.   Mmm, I thought, maybe he could explore the corner of our bedroom … the bit with the cobwebs and an old trainer.     We’re still working on it but expect exciting shots of dark, spooky corner and insect habitats.   Surely there must also be an Entertainer badge where he can do some finger shadow puppets and that thing where you put a quarter of an orange in your mouth and make it look like a big smile? 🙂

Dinner/Dance at Pump & Grind Hall

What a success for Little Ditchling JMI School PTA! The Dinner/Dance at Big Bert’s Pump & Grind Gym hall was a great success with a staggering £67 raised! Pretensia had good reason to be swanning about in her leopard skin dress purring with pride although it had won her few friends. The furore over the £50 ticket price had knocked her for six and she’d been seen staggering around in her 4 inch Manolo Blahniks long before tea-time so it couldn’t have been the gin. Rude-rag and Whinger hadn’t been impressed with the fully inclusive McDonalds happy meal and Mr FrizzyWizzy Authentic Party Hat but all in all it was a good night.

Clotheshorse naturally had prepared for days with body waxing, eyebrow plucking, a fake tan and a new hairdo; she’d gone for a messy bob and fringe, eventually looking like a wrecked Britney Spears. Her designer outfit had given Pretensia a run for her money; a sleek black halter-neck dress with zircons hand-sewn around the breasts to highlight them, just in case the copious amounts of cleavage wasn’t enough! Pretensia looked glamorous in an emerald sequin floor-length dress suitable for the set of Strictly Come Dancing; she looked very put out when Nude Trude arrived in a silver-sparkled dress that omitted to go past her silver spangly knickers. Ryan’s dad, Mr Fit didn’t know where to look and then settled on staring open-mouthed at Trude’s thighs. As did most of the dads, except for Gary Lomund who was staring at Mr Fit.

The DJ got into the spirit, jumping onto the table to dance to Fat Boy Slim’s Praise you! until his foot went in the rum punch and Ryan’s dad said that was gross as he might have stepped in dog’s poo and everyone should stick to beer. All the dads listened to Ryan’s dad, he was their meerkat leader. If Mr Fit looked at Nude Trude’s thighs, they all did, not that she minded. As she said, she’s an ex-porn star so she’s used to men looking at her – except usually it’s in their own home with a box of tissues!

Virginia, the headmistress pranced around like a teenager who’s had her first alchopop. It made T&W feel a bit uncomfortable watching her do the Lindyhop to the Black Eyed Peas “I’ve got a feeling”. It got worse when she sidled up to Ryan’s dad and slurred at him that she could get him a good deal on PTA subscriptions with a wink! Mr Fit looked scared! He looked to Nude Trude for help but she was doing a Beyonce impression in front of Reverend Brookes the school chaplain. Rev. Brookes got into the spirit, slapping her on her backside and shouting “Go on girl, show us your bootie!”

Losing Control in the Department Store

Walking into a department store is like stepping into a David Cameron documentary – lots of Tamaras and Tamsins, hello Sirs and goodbye Madams. You walk through Menswear and it’s like the set of Glee with everyone skipping, waving and doing air kisses. Then as you go though the makeup/perfume dept. you almost choke on the cloying smell of Beyonce/Kylie and Kate by Kate Middleton (classy scent smelling of plums). And is it compulsory for the make-up assistants to wear every makeup product on their face; can I have a purple eye-shadow please? Point to it on my face. Can I have an orange foundation that looks caked on and like a Caribbean sunset? Point to it on my face.

T&W meant to be choosing a christening present. But oh no, saw the beautiful dresses and that was it, like a kid on a sugar high in a toyshop, ended up in major dress trying on frenzy barely coming up for air. Not even looking at price tags, told self didn’t matter if spent all money, would wander streets with family, destitute and homeless ….. but always stylish! T&W had to give self good talking to and detention. This is no way to get a B grade in Domestic Goddesshood! Must try harder and pull socks up.

T&W noticed that the changing room assistants are all glamorous skinny French women. And all bitching to each other ….
“Yes, you know zat woman, ze one with the big arms ….. and ze funny eyes …”
“I know ze one, she was just ‘ere, with ze big legs and ze curly frizzy hair, eugh I hate zat woman.”
“Well, she tried ze dress, ze pink one and it looked euck … how you say … Merde.”
“Degutante! Eugh. She look like like a beeg watermelon … “
“Off course, I told her she looked a ..mazeeng but had to laugh into my handkerchief.”

T&W didn’t buy anything to wear so will have to go to Christening in old potato sack. Clotheshorse would be disgusted!

T&W cooks like Nigella!

Today T&W had the urge to be like Princess Perfect Pants and Domestic Goddess rolled into one! Yes, T&W gone strange like 1950’s poster of housewife in apron with red lipstick and strange expression of a Stepford wife. First will make an amazing dinner a la Nigella. Open recipe book and follow instructions:
1. Run upstairs and put on tight, revealing dress, preferably low-cut.
2. Put on 4 inch high stilettos.
3. Put on red lipstick.
4. Brush hair.
5. Slide down bannister and get ready to cook!
6. Chop onions & garlic.
7. Close-up to camera. Discuss with deep, slow voice how everything’s getting hot .. & sizzling.
8. Appear flustered and have to open window.
9. Wave to builders and tell them “making Full-frontal guacamole in a few minutes if they want some”.
10. Put chopped chillies in pan. Close-up to camera, say things are getting really, really hot!
11. Put in mince and whilst it’s cooking, open bottle of wine, pouting suggestively.
12. Pour wine into glass and sip it girlishly, tossing hair around at same time.
13. As it cooks, lay along top of kitchen work-top and dip finger into bowl of cream to taste it.
14. Not in recipe, but is essential part of Nigella’s cooking procedure.
15. Bend over to get something out of oven even though not using oven – ditto above.
16. Close-up to camera, say it’s coming along nicely so time to cook pasta. Talk about how it’s important to have al dente pasta by smiling and emphasising the word “firm”.
17. Boil water and put pasta into pan.
18. Lay table for self and the three builders who are staring through the window.
19. Start to chop the avocados. Close-up to camera, explain you call it Full Frontal as it’s in your face, taste wise. Add garlic and lemon juice and put in blender, not forgetting to taste it in a provocative way once its ready.
20. Let builders sit down and get them beers. Do not seem at all fazed that you have 3 strangers in overalls sitting in your house.
21. Serve up the food into warm bowls whilst making suggestive comments about who’s got the biggest and that you hope the pasta’s firm.
22. Enjoy the meal, laughing wildly with your new friends about grouting, dovetail joints and spirit levels.
23. Have more wine and be seen staggering around in kitchen, pretending to know where the dishwasher is.
Tomorrow, T&W does housework like Kim & Aggie, How Clean is your House? Maybe not..

T&W’s idea for new brand – Roadsign Bras!

T&W has gone all Charlie Sheen (not with drugs & prostitutes) but by having delusions of importance! Has had truly brilliant idea and invented Roadsign Bras! Yes, should marry Charlie Sheen and live in crazy, deluded omnipotence like Colonel Gaddafi! Bras with roadsigns on them … which one are you?

Typical signs in the range include:

Danger! Boulders Ahead!

B cups Ahead!

D cup Ahead with implant!

Danger! Pancakes!

Scene of Natural Beauty!

Hot Stuff!

1st Date or long-term relationship!

Like it says on the tin …

Non-priority area!

No honking!

Watch out Bill Gates & Steve Jobs, you’re not the only ones with world-changing, revolutionary ideas …..

Nude Trude

Thought I would introduce Nude Trude, an ex-porn star mum. T&W knows this because a)she has a perma-tan b)she wears miniscule bits of clothing to cover her perfectly formed body and c)she carries a chihuahua. Oh, and because she told T&W!

Nude Trude always provides visual entertainment for the dads & grandads at dull PTA events involving quizzes/auctions/fairy cakes and craft stalls where you have to buy plastic bracelets or a bar of soap wrapped in a flannel. Usually dressed in minimal white lycra with some kind of lace effect, she totters around on her 4 inch heels leaving Pretensia looking like she’s sucking on lemons! Ha, brilliant thinks T&W! Pretensia & Clotheshorse will have spent hours preparing for each occasion and Nude Trude will have got dressed, shoved some make-up on with a trowel and been out the door in 10 minutes!

T&W imagines headmistress, Virginia introducing potential parents to the school, green eyes blazing, black hair flowing in the wind, “yes, we have a wonderful PTA! One parent is a marine biologist, just look at this beautiful & expensive watercolour of the sea he’s donated and one parent is a thoracic surgeon, see this spectacular life-size skeleton given so kindly from his own funds. Yes and Nude Trude, one of our PTA mums holds a very popular pay per view film club for the dads on a saturday evening!”

Everyone loves Nude Trude, although you could see Gifted’s face distort when Trude said she had a fondness for animals. Probably just an innocent comment, meaning nothing but Gossiphead had it round the school gates before you could say Animal Farm Meets Air Hostess, the sequel!

Non-domestic goddess

If T&W hears Pretensia/ Clotheshorse/ Fitness Freak going on once more about how they’ve found the perfect marble kitchen worktop that coordinates with their husband’s tartan slippers/ threadveins on their inner thigh/ bottom of the cat litter tray, she will scream!

T&W def not a domestic goddess although sometimes tries. Googled “raspberry blinds with beads” in hope of finding simple blinds for kitchen with ornate beads aka Monsoon/Indian style and entered parallel universe of sex perversion! Search engine offered (optimistically) “vibrator – raspberry pink”, “catsuit with zipper”, “catsuit with lace front” – T&W wondering about controversial decision of “catsuit with both zipper and lace front” when spotted next option “nipple clamps with chain”. After much thought, T&W decided that a kitchen blind consisting of pink vibrators and a selection of nipple clamps with chain would not be suitable. Although an interesting dinner party topic, would let too much light in and allow a window of opportunity to nosey neighbours in eyesore new-build next door! Ps. Please share with unenlightened T&W when you’re meant to wear catsuit. Surely only for Batman/Robin themed parties? Must make mental note to ask Nude Trude.